It's Almost Time!

In less then 24 hours we will know if this cycle worked or not. It seems like I have been waiting for months but the wait is almost done. I am sure that I will get little sleep tonight just thinking what the Dr will tell me.

The last few days I have been feeling like it did not work, but tonight I feel a little different. Maybe it did?

Collin was looking at the Toys R Us catalog that came in the mail and was circling things that he wanted for Christmas. Then he started circling baby toys for his baby brother that is in his mommy's tummy. So cute! I told him that if we are to be having a baby it would not be hear for Christmas- he was quite dissapointed!

I will post sometime tomorrow!

And the wait begins!

After the disappointing news on Friday, I thought Sunday would never get here. I was so worried our one embryo would not make it to transfer day. We got to the hospital early Sunday and as soon as I saw a nurse I started drilling her for info. She had not seen the embryologists so did not know where we stood. We sat in the room for 30 minutes while she found out how things look. I seriously thought I was going to vomit. All of you know me well enough to know I do not talk about bodily functions but I actually told Craig that I was about to vomit or crap my pants! He was not impressed but it was true - I was terrified of the outcome. Luckily when the nurse came back it was excellent news. Not only was our one looking great but we also had three others fertilize late! So we were able to transfer two great quality embryos!!! What a relief! Now that transfer is over - I am on bed rest threw tomorrow. It is pretty boring to sit and do nothing all day when you feel great - but I will do what ever it takes.

I started my progesterone shots on Saturday - this is the worst shot of the whole cycle as it has to go into the muscle, so it is a very long needle. I might as well get used to it because if I am pregnant I will do this everyday for at least eight weeks!

My next appointment is on Thursday just to check progesterone levels and then the pregnancy test is on 10/28. I did however stock up on pregnancy tests this weekend and plan to start testing early just so I know as soon as possible!

I will keep everyone posted.

Hugs!!

Hmmm

Well the highs and lows of infertily are way too extreme, just like watching the Rangers and the Yankees! Yesterdays results were wonderful - far better than we had expected and I was on cloud 9. This morning the embryologists called to tell me how many fertilized. I was so excited to hear a strong number so when he told me we just had 1 fertilize you better believe I was shocked. 1 out of 12 - that is awful! I talked with my Drs office and of course they have no way of knowing why if happened and were just as shocked as I was. So we will now transfer on Sunday morning. We do have a chance that their might be a few late fertilizations and their is a chance that our one will stop dividing. So I could go to transfer and have none or have 12 - who knows! Now I just have to sit and wait - this is awful.

I told Craig early on that if it did not work this time - I was done. Oh how that has changed. I am not even finished with this cycle and already know that if this one is a failed cycle I will start another round as soon as the Dr lets me. What do I have to lose? I will have already known the feeling of a failed cycle so why not keep trying? I may lose all sanity that I have left going through this multiple times but if I keep cheering for my Rangers and Cowboys all sanity will be gone anyways!

Retrieval Day!

I am happy to report we had a successful retrieval! Dr R retrieved 12 eggs this time!!! Last time I had 8 so I am estatic about this. I am feeling more pain today then I remember from last time so that is a downer. Without being too graphic, I have a tilted uterus that is tricky so I think the tugging on it is what is making me sore. I will find out tomorrow how many have fertilized and then get daily updates on how the blastocytes are progressing. Should have the fransfer on Tuesday but if we dont have good quality then we will do a Sunday transfer. I am thrilled that I do not have any shots till Saturday evening - then it is progesterone nightly for at least the first 13 weeks of pregnancy. You better believe I will enjoy no shots tomorrow!

Gotta tell a silly Collin story - then off to bed in hopes of feeling better for work tomorrow. We recently started giving our black lab two shots a day for diabetes. Collin knows that my shots are to try to get a baby in my belly. So yesterday he seemed very excited for Belle to get her shot. He asked when her baby was coming out of her belly!! Poor thing has his hopes up that we will soon have a sibling and puppies!!

Off to rest - will report tomorrow on how things are doing. Love to all!

Getting Close!

Things are still moving along great - have another appointment tomorrow morning and then the retrieval will be on Thursday. Everything has moved along so fast, I can not believe we are almost done! I hope to talk with Dr R tomorrow about his plans for how many blastocysts we are putting back. It is so hard for me to think about because I want to do what is best on the body but I also don't want to be conservative and then have a failed cycle.

For those that don't know in our 2005 cycle, we put back 2 A quality blastocysts. We knew one attached and we were thrilled. When I was 13 weeks along I started feeling cramping and pressure. It was a busy day for me and I did not think too much about it. My mind was on my Gramps who was to have surgery. That night I starting feeling worse and suddenly had a ton of pressure. I went into the restroom and passed tissue and blood - I knew something was not right. I called the Dr who assured me things were fine and I saw the Dr the next morning. Terrified that I had lost the baby, I went in for a sonogram. Much to my surprise the baby was fine, but it was obvious that their was a twin that I lost. I cant explain the feelings that I felt - I was relieved that the baby I knew about was still alive, but so sad for the loss.

Now it is time to make this decision again and I have no clue what to do. I do not want to ever feel that heartache again. At the same time though I can not imagine how hard it will be if this cycle is not a success and then I question if I should have put more back. Craig has already said, we will do whatever Dr R feels is best. I know that is the right thing to do - but it would not be me if I did not analyze the options and possible outcomes!

Right on Track!

Things are right on track! Tuesday's appointment was a little dissapointing. I was not where they wanted me to be so they doubled my stim meds. I was worried to say the least. But today showed improvement, still a little on the slow side for follicle numbers and size but a lot better than earlier. I talked to Dr Rodriguez this afternoon and he compared it to my chart from my IVF with Collin - he said it looked exactly the same! So I think that is a great sign!I have another appointment on Saturday, Monday, Tuesday and hopefully the retrieval on Thursday! Things are moving along quick. I feel pretty good - no more headaches. I have though gained a ton of weight and barely fit into my clothes. I guess I need to go buy a few pairs of pants, cause it seems a little too early to get the maternity clothes out! Dont want to jinx myself!

Here is an interesting read about the father of IVF - Robert G Edwards, who was honored this week. http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2010/10/four-million-test-tube-babies-and-counting/64198/ Thank you Dr Edwards for allowing us to be parents! Craig and I are very thankful for having this technology available to us!

Hope the week is treating everyone great! XOXO

Originally Posted 10/7/10

Life is Perfect

During story time tonight Collin was adorable. He was laughing at his daddy being silly to the point he spit out his milk at me. It was one of those moments where you can't stop laughing no matter how hard you try. When I gave him hugs and kisses good night I thought "Life is perfect." For four years I have dwelled over needing another child and giving Collin a sibling. I have dreamt of the day that our family is complete and our house is full. But in all reality - we are a family and we are happy. If another child never comes, life will be okay. Collin will be loved and happy - he will not be upset or disappointed in me. If Collin is the only child I ever have, I can not be sad for he is truly an amazing kid. But if we are blessed with just one more kiddo - Collin will be a perfect big brother. He told me today as we were trying to get rid of some of his toys that he needed to save a stuffed animal for his little brother. He said "My little brother will need 1 stuffed animal, some clothes, a bottle, and diapers, that's it." Hah if only it were that simple!

I am off to work on files that I decided not to touch all weekend and then to bed! Next appointment is on Tuesday. Oh and for a bit of humor - I was bored last nigh and figured up how many shots I will have gone through for this cycle and when it is all said and done - I will have had 57 shots, 9 blood draws and 2 surgeries! If it works then I will doing shots for the first 13 or so weeks!

Hope everyone has a great start of the week! Hugs!

Originally Posted 10/3/2010

What a week!

And the migraines have kicked in! I have been dealing with a migraine since Sunday evening and it is still going strong. Maybe it is the hormones, or no caffeine, or end of month in the mortgage industry, or stressing about Collins surgery this morning. Not sure what it is but it needs to be gone!

Craig has been home all week which has been nice especially because I have been in bed by 9pm everyday and most nights I was a sleep before Collin was! We had an appointment with Dr R yesterday, all went well and I start my three shots a day tomorrow. This is more than I did last time so it will be interesting to see how I handle it. The nurse gave me a quick training on how to mix the medicines but I still have no clue. Lucky for me their is online training for this so while Collin is resting from surgery I will be giving myself a crash course on chemistry/pharmacy 101!

Off to get Little C ready. Is it odd that he is a little excited about his surgery? He asked me the other day is they would cut his stomach open like mine and I said not they were just going to make his ears better. He said " Aw man that would have been really silly!" Gotta love him!

Originally Posted 10/1/10

Silence

What a weird feeling in the house this morning - silence! It has been a long time since Craig and I woke up in the house with no child and I can not say I like it all that much! Collin stayed the night at Mimi Diann and Papa's house last night so we could go to a bday party for a friend. It was nice to get out and not have to worry about picking him up or if he would be okay going to sleep. But this morning when their were no waffles and chocolate milk to make, no cartoons on and toys in the living room I got a little sad. Sure he will be home any minute now but it made me think back to when their was no little boy living with us. We have always said that having Collin made the house feel like a home and us a family.

I went into Collin's old nursery which is now an unfinished room - waiting to see if it will again be a nursery or if we will make it a guest room. I was putting some items in the closet and stayed for a while invisioning what we could do in their for the next kid. I thought about how much more "stuff" we will accumulate with another one and how much more hectic life will be.

I know with another kid it will be a long time before any more silent mornings in the house. But I look forward to the hectice life ahead!

Originally Posted 9/26/2010

Strength

Today a coworker of mine asked what all was entailed in the procedure. I gave her a short overview to which she replied "I'm sorry but I don't understand it. If you were meant to have children then it would not be this difficult for you. If that was your destiny - you would be pregnant by now." I didn't say anything but thought how dare she say that! I have heard this argument before and everytime it makes me a little more mad. Isnt that the same as saying if you are meant to have cancer you shouldn't seek treatment? I would think the majority of people given a diagnosis would do anything they could to overcome the problem or at very least make the symptoms more managable.

I don't think our destiny was not to have children, but instead to become stronger through the journey. He knew that I was too dang stubborn to give up and that our marriage could survive the ups and downs that infertility brings.

Here is a good quote to wrap this thought up -

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

Originally Posted 9/23/10

I survived

This morning was tougher than I thought is would be. I thought I was an old pro at giving myself shots but when I got to my appointment I had a mini melt down. At that moment I realized that this is it - this is the start - their is no turning back. After a few tears and a quick hug from my amazing nurse I took the shot and to my surprise I survived it. One shot down and many more to go but it is a start and I did fine!

Driving to work I thought about how different this cycle will be then before. Craig was at every appointment last time and will be able to come to very few this time. I know that he is cheering us on from a far and wishing he was here for it all - but it does make it a bit harder to go through.

When I put Collin to bed tonight he said " Mommy I love you. Please snuggle me just a little bit longer." This is the reason I will take another thousand shots, go through more surgeries and keep being poked and prodded - Motherhood is worth it!

Craig won't be here for my shots this week but Lil C is and he has already determined he will be my helper everyday. His job - to put the alcohol swab on the injection site and we are going to sing a little song while I do the shot. Should be interesting!

Originally Posted 9/21/2010

Let The Journey Begin

When Craig and I first met, I never thought having children would be such an obstacle. We were young and healthy. But after three years of trying we realized something was not right. We seeked help and within 6 months we were finally pregnant with our miracle baby. The journey to get their was hard but it was well worth it. And so now - 4 years later - we are starting the journey all over again.

This time, I think it is a little harder for me to deal with. I wanted so desperatly to get pregnant on my own - to allow my body to do what it is meant to do. I have heard it said before that once you get pregnant it is easier to become pregnant. My Dr even warned me after my Csection that it could happen at any time and I prayed that she was right. But unfortunatly for whatever reason, here we are again - starting the dreaded shots, blood draws and ultrasounds. I only hope that this IVF cycle will be a success just like my first one was.

Last week, I lost a friend from highschool and was reminded all too quickley how short and precious life is. This week I am remembering what a miracle life is as well.

Let the journey begin!

Originally Posted 9/20/10