And we remain a family of three

I have put off typing this post for over a week now. I wish I was here to spread wonderful news but unfortunately the 3rd time was not the charm. We found out a week ago Wednesday that our final attempt at IVF failed again. By the time the phone call came in I already new the results but it was still hard to hear. My wonderful IVF nurse cried as she told me "Katie, it is not good news. Dr Rodriguez and I are shocked." I talked to her for just a bit about what we could do in the future if we choose to go forward with more treatments. I have my post cycle consultation with Dr A Rod the second week of October and will listen to what he says. Unfortunately I just don't think we can afford any more cycles - I have reached my lifetime max with insurance.

To say I am devastated is an understatement - I am truly shattered. Slowly I am coming to terms with this but I still can cry at any given moment. I hate to stop treatments and feel like I failed - but at some point enough is enough and life most go on. I think that is where we are at. Each failed cycle is harder than the last and the wear and tear emotionally and physically on the body can not be good.

Craig and I have only talked briefly about where we go from here. I am not ready to talk too much about it without getting emotional and he wants me to take the time I need to get past this cycle and clearly think about the future. We have talked about looking into adoption but have said that we will not start anything up until after the beginning of the year. I might start researching it to see if this is even something that we can afford to do, but no case studies or paper work until later. We want to enjoy the holidays without worrying about all of this.

This past week I have also tried to imagine life with just the three of us. I wish I could just feel good about an only child. Plenty of children are raised without any siblings and are happy, well rounded kids. With just Collin we would be able to afford more trips and hopefully pay for his college easier. Their are plenty of positive things about a small family but I still am not at ease with it. I worry about him when we are much older. I don't want him to deal with the responsibilities on his own - the financial burden will be all on him. Craig's mother had a health scare this past week that sent her to the hospital. Thankfully -she did not require open heart surgery but did have 4 stints put in. While we sat in the hospital waiting for news I thought what if this was me when Collin is older. Craig has 4 siblings and it was still a very hard time for us. Collin will have no one - just his extended family. It is hard to think that he will face tough decisions without the support of siblings.

I will keep you all posted on what we decide to do from here. Many thanks to everyone for all the thoughts and prayers. We love you all.

Katie