Third Times a Charm - We Hope!

Wow, time sure has flown by! I am not sure where to start but first I must apologize for leaving everyone in suspense. The last cycle was extremely hard for me to handle. After months of consideration though Craig and I have decided we are going to try one more cycle and then we are done. This has not been an easy decision and until recently it wavered from day to day if I was willing to give it another try. Let me first fill you in on how our follow up visit went.

Dr A Rod really could not say why the cycle failed. He was very disappointed and felt that we had such a great chance. He said that my body appears to be functioning in a pre menopause state even though labs show that I am not. So his conclusion was that we were over suppressing my system. He proposed doing another IVF but using a different protocol. The new protocol, Lupron MicroFlair, should allow my body to respond to the stim meds easier. This protocol is not the gold standard in IVF but has good results for proven poor responders like myself. In our meeting I told Dr A Rod that I was not sure I could handle another cycle and that I would need some time off to think it over and heal from the latest disappointment. He understood completely and said to take all the time you needed and so I did!

Over the last few months, I have really tried to convince myself that I would not regret calling it quits and being done with the infertility challenge that has consumed my life over the last year. Craig and I talked, more than I am sure he ever thought possible, and I have cried - a lot. I have done a lot of soul searching and asked the questions of why, why us, why this. I can't say that I have the answers now or that I will ever have the answers, but what I do know if that my soul is still longing for a baby and that I am not ready to walk away and call it quits. So the decision is made and although I am terrified I know it is the right decision for us. We have made a promise to each other that this is the last cycle, no matter what, and that we will deal with whatever the cycle brings.

Craig and I have decided that this final cycle will be done on our own time. We will not be sharing dates with family and friends. We will allow ourselves the time to let the end result sink in and then we will share the news. This decision is to hopefully eliminate some of the stress on me of feeling the need to answer every question as it is asked. I have always leaned on family and friends for the support and love to get me through each cycle but it has proved difficult for me to have to share the bad news immediately. I am not one to cry in front of others or allow people to see me hurting - I've always viewed it as a weakness. So this time, I am turning to Craig to be my support, my rock. I will update the blog periodically as I feel emotionally necessary but will not post until we are done and have great news to share!

Even though I am taking this approach, please know that your thoughts and prayers are very much appreciated. I may be a little on edge over the next several months, and I apologize in advance for any rude behavior from me. The truth is I am terrified, not of the cycle but of the outcome. I know that I need closure but I am not ready to accept that closure. Now that I have the ca lander and know the dates, I know that all questions will be answered in the next few months. Our family will be complete - one way or another- and their is no more next time. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure - to get the job done. So I am going to give it my all and allow the meds to do their job. I am putting all of my faith into my amazing Dr and his staff to do everything medically possible to help us out. And of course their will be a lot of prayers for a miracle at the end of this journey.

Here is a quote that I feel is so true for this journey "Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about" Unknown


Much love to all
Kt